Today’s Sportscasters: The Good, The Bad, and The Siragusas

by Angelo Gonzalez

Sports have always taken great pride in some of their legendary announcers. Names like Harry Caray, Keith Jackson, and Howard Cosell are synonymous with the sports in which they worked. But for every Brent Musburger there is a Tony Siragusa. For every vintage Pat Summeral, there is a too-drunk-to-keep-my-eyes-open Pat Summerall. Some guys are meant for the big stage, others are in need of “Hooked on Phonics.” Here are the good, the bad, and the ugly of today’s sportscasters and sideline reporters.

The Good:

Play-By-Play
Ever since Lake Placid in 1980, Al Michaels has been one of the best announcers in all of sports. Not to mention the fact that he has aged better than anyone in television other than Dick Clark (but everyone knows he’s a robot, thus disqualifying him from contention). I love that you can hear Al’s Brooklyn roots coming through his voice – a voice that once you hear it, you know it’s an important game. Though I must give kudos to ABC and NBC for doing a great job of hiding the box he stands on for telecasts with John Madden. That or he’s constantly on his toes. In which case, the man must have calves like an Olympic sprinter.

Color Analyst
Is there anyone that can argue that Troy Aikman is the best color analyst in the NFL right now? He’s spot on. While his partner Joe Buck gets all the hype, some warranted and some due to his lineage, Troy simply delivers with the psyche of a championship quarterback; he’s intelligent, always calm, and he has a good rapport with his colleagues. Plus, every time they show him in booth, he looks like he can break Joe Buck in half with those freakishly large paws of his. He’s so good at calling the games, I almost forget that he’s a cockroach Dallas Cowboy.

Sideline Reporter
As much as I want to say Erin Andrews for having such huge, wonderful “talents,” I know I need to try and keep this at least a little bit legit. Sunday Night Baseball on ESPN got a huge boost to its team when they acquired the services of Peter Gammons as a sideline reporter. When he says something, you believe him. Considering he’s 114 years old, the guy has accumulated a lot of quality sources. He brings trust, comfort and knowledge to his craft. Though he awards web-gems on “Baseball Tonight,” he himself is the gem during Sunday night telecasts.

The Bad:

Play-By-Play
I’ve heard people argue that Dick Stockton used to be a great play-by-play guy and that may be true. But after years of listening to him mispronounce names, stumble over words and have awkward silences because he’s looking for a player’s name on the depth chart, I’ve begun wondering if his Carlton Fisk days are over. I hate trashing a Philly guy, but Stockton has really gone south. I can forgive him for confusing the names and numbers of obscure players. I’m willing to look past his hairline that doesn’t start until about halfway through his dome and seems to be made up primarily of pubes. I’ll even consider pardoning his eerie likeness to the Crypt Keeper if he could only have any talent in judging plays. Perhaps he could attempt to keep track of the downs. Maybe he could even learn that if a player rushed for six yards on first down, it would bring up second-and four, not third-and-two. Time to hang them up, Dick. Please?

Color Analyst
Using the same criteria as I did for Dick Stockton, I have to admit that Tim McCarver is just not adequate. Listening to him try and explain an uncommon, rare baseball rule, only to do so improperly, is so irritating. I understand that it is his responsibility to explain the intricacies of baseball, but don’t assume that if you make something up, all the viewers will believe you. He is the John Madden of baseball, sans the turducken.


"See there, Joe, when the ball crosses the line before reaching that third base in that series of bases a runner will be running around when establishing contact with the ball, there is be considered a foul ball and runner does not need in fact run to said bases, henceforth where art thou foul. Is."

Sideline Reporter
It would be impossible to find a sideline reporter with half as much cockiness as the ever self-promoting Jay Glazer. Where do I start? As an actual reporter, I think he does his job. As a personality on television, I want to puke. Someone needs to give this cat the number of a tailor because those sleeves on his suits always seem just a bit too long. Perhaps it’s just wishful thinking that his miniature arms may someday fit into those sleeves, but for the time being, he looks like a kid wearing his older brother’s hand-me-downs. And Jay, no one believes you when you say that you just received a call from numerous superstars divulging their availability to play. And if they did, how did you earn that? Did you paint yourself blue and play a Smurf at their kid’s birthday party? Regardless, settle down little guy. And someone please buy him a towel to wipe that sweaty noggin before he goes on the air.

The Ugly:

Play-By-Play
Taking into account that only about 11% of football fans even have the NFL Network, it is still hard to argue against Bryant Gumble being the worst thing that ever happened to play-calling. I have created a cause-and-reaction relationship with Bryant. It works like this: he speaks, and I have a seizure. He doesn’t know the game of football at all whatsoever. His brother Gregg, he is not. Just watch and listen to Cris Collinsworth try his best not to laugh (or cry) while working games with the younger Gumble brother. He is definitely the black guy that says “dawg” and you immediately urinate in your pants from laughter. You should’ve stayed on the Today Show.

Color Analyst
Thankfully for Joe Theismann, he is no longer a color commentator for ESPN, or anyone for that matter. He would have easily been the obvious choice here. Instead, I’m forced to go elsewhere. I have to say, as much as I like this guy, he needed to find a place on this list and so here he is. Bill Walton could quite possibly be the weirdest color analyst in all of sports. He only uses a few general catchphrases a game that seem to carry him for four quarters. By far my favorite one of all is, “Throw it down, big man. Throw it down!” I also love all his superlatives followed by “in the history of the Western Civilization.” For example, he might say “greatest pass in the history of the Western Civilization,” or “worst foul in the history of the Western Civilization.” Besides, physically, he’s probably the ugliest commentator in the NBA. Bill Walton – ugly in all the right ways.

Sideline Reporter
I don’t know how much money FOX pays Tony Siragusa, but any amount would be like throwing money into a paper shredder. The loudmouth, former defensive tackle needs to be taken out back and left for dead by someone similar to the character he played on The Sopranos. Instead of Goose, his nickname should be “obese, overpaid, waste of air time.” What do you think? Too strong? Clearly, preparation is not part of his work routine. FOX, please do everyone a favor and relieve him of his duties as a sideline reporter before we all lose more brain cells upon hearing the sound of his voice.